I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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