Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wish my penis had a tongue
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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