Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
