Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
