Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sacagawea was the original milf.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
