Got a toothbrush?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
