nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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