I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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