apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
