Yo dont text me then not text me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
