Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
