I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
