My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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