yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
