Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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