I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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