My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
