he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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