I just made out with a guy for $7.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
