If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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