i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
