I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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