you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
