you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
