Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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