so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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