Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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