does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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