Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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