So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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