How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
