I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
