my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
