The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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