i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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