and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you will always have a special place in my vag
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
