Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
