i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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