my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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