There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
