yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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