also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
