HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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