I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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