I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
