He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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