oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
