Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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