if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
