in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
