if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
